I Support Donald Trump, I Guess, Because He Is Impotent

Well, not in THAT way. I mean the media hates him so much that even if he wants to do evil from the Oval, he can’t get away with it.

And no, I’m not talking about crack dick, either.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to piece together the way these things work… but since it’s taking the rest of you even longer, I don’t feel so bad.

So! I’ve disliked Donald Trump’s tacky, cartoonish autoportrait of America as a land of brain-stem greed and cheating since before the humanitarians who keep calling for all of his voters to be beheaded were even born.

Most New Yorkers I know have some personal story or another about what a shitty landlord Trump was, whether to his tenants or to the poor-bastard small tradesmen who thought they could make a respectable bunch of money helping him to literally build his empire. Ha, ha. First rule of dealing with rich people: they think ripping you off because you have to work for a living is hilarious.

There’s nothing more morally repugnant to me than letting someone with a real skill, like bricklaying or architecture, work his or her ass off for you just to use your high-paid lawyers to worm your way out of paying for their time and labor. Time is the only thing we really have to call our own, our most precious resource, and rich fucks always seem to find a way to siphon it out of you, like vampires.

Which is why I have been extremely puzzled by the results of the blatantly baseless Russia probes, in which this asshole’s political enemies understandably (well, except for the part where they were undermining democracy and peeing all over the law, but, ya know) spent blah blah taxpayer dollars and several years trying to dig up enough dirt to impeach him.

Considering his business record, that should have been a walk in the park, right?

And yet with political enemies furiously misusing the FBI as a political tool while the media gleefully cheered them on — with the entire government he was supposed to be leading digging through his sock drawer for a stiff one — with every move he’s made since lumbering into politics finely combed by ideologues out for his blood, they found… absolutely nothing.

Nothing. What the fuck?, I thought.

All they seem to be able to come up with now is the “revelation” that he has a bank account in China (which turned out to be half-false; he HAD a small account, but it was never secret, nor was it large, as it was there for a business deal that never got off the ground, and it was closed before his first election), and one minor staffer at the Federal Election Commission might be a fan of his (as opposed to the untold numbers of staffers who wanted debate moderators who hate him).

And finally, FINALLY, after four years of being a dumbass, I realized why I should be supporting the Trump presidency, even if he disgusts me as a human being, especially when I think about the fact that he probably thinks those stupid tanner-free circles around his eyes are part of his signature “look,” or when I think about how many supermodels this obese blob has used the wages he should have been paying to the construction workers he ripped off as a private businessman to get his dick into.

My reaction to him as a human being is utterly meaningless.

It meant something before he was elected, and before he was investigated, because why wouldn’t I be suspicious of a dirty businessman going into the even dirtier business of politics? It was perfectly logical at the time. Most of the data I had to work with was politicians with the usual record of corruption, moving into a higher office, and taking their usual habits with them. Or politicians “retiring” to the private sector to become even more corrupt.

But halfway through the Russia probe, I should have already figured it out: suddenly, faced with a frothingly hostile media, Donald knew he had to keep his nose clean for the first time in his life, so that’s what he did.

The media rarely cover the shenanigans of the business “community,” even those of businessthings whom they hate, because those are their advertisers, duh. Trump was a dirty businessman because like all real estate moguls, he could get away with it. The occasional newspaper might fling a drop of his poo back at him on a slow news day or when they have some ulterior motive — like sucking up to a different advertiser — or to keep up the appearance that they provide some sort of service to “the American people” (a phrase that usually means someone, not me, is about to lie to you).

But when it comes to politicians, they’re going to advertise with you anyway. So the amount of shit a politician can get away with comes down to how much important individuals in the media hate them — whether as ideological adversaries, gross human beings, objects of personal vendettas, or all three.

If the media loves a pol, like they swooned for the beautiful and charming Barack Obama, then he can get away with bombing and caging small children. The result, if the deeds are ever known, is not moral outrage, but amazing copes like swinging the Democratic partisans unbelievably far in the warhawk direction, or managing to get the cages blamed on the next administration.

Hell, even if the media loves your running-mate — as Joe Biden appears to have discovered — you can get away with using your crackhead offspring as shell people, keeping the funds from your filthy sale of the office of the vice president to hostile foreign nations separate from your own slime trail till you get out of office.

I mean, god damn, Biden and family have been getting away with this shit for, once again, probably as long as the “peaceful protesters” have been alive. Maybe for as long as I’ve been alive. We don’t know, because everyone who’s been digging in Trump’s Y-fronts has been totally incurious in the case of the most corrupt politicians for decades.

If it weren’t for the fact that Hunter is so comically incompetent that he couldn’t keep track of a laptop full of illegal deals, photos of some very bad [alleged things], and Self-Portrait With Meth Monkey #4, Biden would STILL be getting away with it. [ALL ALLEGEDLY, even though there’s hard visual evidence, because we’re living in the fucking Twilight Zone.]

Who knows? — if he REALLY becomes the Big Guy, Joe might end up selling Hawaii to Canada, or indenturing you personally to Justin Trudeau. Ew, good luck!

Trump, on the other hand, with his hideous visage, crass Americana, and involvement in pro wrestling — the wrestling bit, I gotta say, I’m tempted to love him for that, even if he probably ripped off the waterboy and everyone else he possibly could — inevitably triggers the class snobbery of the type of Millennials who could afford to be interns in New York City in the early aughts. You know, when they were using the switch from print to online as an excuse to kick anyone with experience and integrity out of the media industry in favor of cheap, impressionable college grads.

He triggers them so hard, in fact, that they’re doing everything in their power to shape him into what might be the most honest president we’ve ever had.

Not that he doesn’t help them; he has so little filter that at a rally the other day, he reportedly starting fantasizing about jumping on someone’s bike and riding off into the polluted sunset, never to be heard from again. I’m still not sure that wasn’t a satire that accidentally went viral as the truth. But I do believe that he’s more or less an open book.

Only part of that is due to his big fat mouth.

The rest comes thanks to two things: One, he clearly did not get enough love as a child, and he is desperate for our approval. I’ve been trying to explain to my left-ish friends that if they could understand this about him, they could have him eating out of the palm of their hand. To my right-ish friends’ glee, they don’t seem to want to accept that possible course of action.

Two, the hostility of the media class has placed him in a glass box, where, if he wants anyone’s love at all, he has to be a good boy, a very good boy, all the time.

You don’t have to like the guy to know that a president in a glass box is the safest president. All of his evillest impulses have been scared out of him. I’d be surprised if he even masturbates. (Note: He could actually be impotent in the penile sense of the word, but fortunately, I have never had the opportunity/duty to check, thank the gods.)

And a president whose entire filthy, Dorian-Grey family lies swaddled in the loving arms of what’s supposed to be our free press?… well, even if I didn’t think Sleepy Joe is an even bigger little asshole than Big T anyway, I would never want that president flying the plane. Too many stops to pick up baggies, just to name one inconvenience. I’ve got places to be.

Just remember: It’s not whether you like the guy. It’s about what he is willing AND ABLE to do. And the more they tie a politician’s hands, the safer he is for society. It’s kind of the same reason we put violent criminals in prison. Assholes and politicians seem to be evils we can’t live without; the media is our best way to rein them in.

Isn’t that why we want a free press in the first place!?

I can’t believe we have to relearn that, but here we are.

Author of NVSQVAM, DISASTER FITNESS, the upcoming ELEKTRA’S REVENGE sci-fi epic, & the action novella SEINE VENDETTA. Editor of YOU’RE ALL PUSSIES.

Get the Medium app

A button that says 'Download on the App Store', and if clicked it will lead you to the iOS App store
A button that says 'Get it on, Google Play', and if clicked it will lead you to the Google Play store