Gay Wedding Cake: Let Them Not Eat Baked Urine

Goth lesbians because freedom!

Happy D-Day! To celebrate freedom everywhere, the Supreme Court didn’t force a bakery to make a gay wedding cake, which I guess is what we’re arguing about now (it’s sillier than “should we go die to get rid of the Nazis?,” but I think it’s an argument most of us would prefer). Now you have to go to the bakery up the street. I know my shtick is being a pessimist, but the system finally seems to have overall settled on a consistent “live and let live” policy with gay rights, which is… well, you have to admit it’s kind of impressive. As loony and loopy as the entire Internet might get, once in a while the Court makes me feel like there’s a grown-up in the room.

If you’re a real ugly couple, don’t embarrass yourself, just go for the two flamingos cake topper.

It’s like watching a science experiment where all the predictions come out like the textbook.

Gay sex is legal, there’s no lawful persecution or discrimination, and gay people can get married — and thus don’t have to pay an unfair share of the tax burden, which was bullshit (well, there are still the breeder tax breaks and gimmes, which are also bullshit, but I guess they can adopt). Everyone’s equal under the law.

But if you really don’t like the gaying for whatever reason, the government isn’t going to force you to make a giant penis cake, either. I don’t know why you would turn down selling anything as overpriced as a wedding ANYTHING, holy shit, even wedding toothpicks can be marked up 500 percent, but that’s your business (or lack of sense thereof).

This will have the added benefit of slowing the spread of disease, because, as anyone who has worked in foodservice knows, if you’re a dick to a cook or baker and you make them do something they really don’t want to do, you’re going to be eating their poop/spit/vaginal fluid/cum/earwax/toe jam/hair. Believe me, a gay wedding cake is much more sanitary if it’s being made by someone who wants to bake it. Go up the damn street. Live and let live.

The older I get, the more I appreciate the US Constitution. Kids these days have a fit on the floor because you won’t call them “zir,” but as recently as the 90s, there was no Glee, I got fired from my crap job that I really needed cause my little girlfriend stuck a little triangle pin on my backpack—that’s ACTUAL discrimination, darlings. Oh, and somebody burned down half the gay bars in Madison. That kind of shit would never stand today. (Well, I think they cancelled Glee.) And yet we’re not swinging so far in the opposite direction that Evangelicals and Muslims are being forced at gunpoint to bake giant penis cakes. Many of us are not so sure about some of these groups’ wackier positive religious practices; I dunno if there’s a happy medium for that one. But forcing someone TO do something that’s against their religion, that’s fairly cut and dried, and we seem to have settled on an agreement.

Why NOT more goth lesbians?

Maybe the INTERNET is hounding and doxxing and firing people for not falling in line with today’s list of PC demands and/or purity spirals, but at least in the creaky old mechanism of the analog government, this shit has balanced out. Everyone has to leave each other the fuck alone, I can get fired over Tweeting instead of over bad fashion items when someone wants to fire me over something absurd, and no unsuspecting wedding guests are eating poopcake. Hooray!

I highly doubt the Founding Fathers could have imagined in their wildest dreams that the checks and balances they put in place would eventually allow two dudes to become husband and wusband. But because the people eventually decided they kind of wanted it to happen, they allowed it to happen without any additional bloody revolutions.

I’m of two minds about democracy, as most people are garbage, but this three-wing mechanism at least takes some of the edge off the species. The framers of the Constitution made something that’s still pretty strong and flexible, that can grow with its people. I sound like a 6th grade civics class, but hey, when I have reason for optimism, I’m not going to waste it. This is a classic example of how 300 million idiots, through a sort of amorphous groping toward decency that’s guided by a reasonably well-built system, can come to a nice equilibrium sometimes.

Too bad about…. well, all kinds of other shit. Unnecessary wars and that. But look at the rest of history. We maybe kinda have it made, till we wreck it. I guess your civic duty today is to laugh at a communist and enjoy your gay marriage/nongay bakery. Checks and balances, my friends. The three most graceful words in political history…

Meh, deep down I’d still rather be queen. But that’s why I probably shouldn’t be in charge.

Author of NVSQVAM, DISASTER FITNESS, the upcoming ELEKTRA’S REVENGE sci-fi epic, & the action novella SEINE VENDETTA. Editor of YOU’RE ALL PUSSIES.