Dodging a Bullet: Notes from a Tomboy on the Kiddie Transgender Fad

What’s worse than bad teenage tattoos? Fads usually don’t involve unnecessary and invasive surgery on children.

Look, I know that people who are jumping on the hyper-transgender bandwagon are often just trying to be humane. But as with so many good intentions, it seems you’re often barreling straight over the cliff into cruelty.

A quick note of relief:

I was just thinking about how much I hate most girly shit like Julia Roberts movies. I always have. Instead I wanted to wrestle with my cousins and read Marvel comics (till I realized they weren’t cost effective and switched to Kingsley Amis novels instead). God, I was such a tomboy. I kind of still am.

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Pippi Longstocking cosplay: I would have done this, if it were a thing in 1980. She always had dirty knees, like me when we dug that mudhole in the neighbor’s yard and had a mud war. Is mud even legal for children to use anymore, or do you need a license?

Tomboyism used to be harmless, even pre-the-healing-magic-of-feminism. Your mom yelled at you for muddying your dress and then you went about your business. How could we have guessed that within a few decades, actual shrinks and doctors would jump on the transgender fad so hard that they would decide being a tomboy is a mental disorder—that they treat by cutting up your taint?!

It horrifies me to think that if I had been born 20 years later, my teachers might be trying to talk me into fucking up my body with hormones and, worse, knives, so I could become the stereotypical dude they assumed I was, deep down.

No, I’m a girl who likes a lot of boy stuff, and is often attracted to women, but realizes most of us are too crazy to date, and I love having a real vagina (way better than a fake penis).

I’ve known genuinely intersex people; you can test this at a genetic level. One person I knew tested female in some parts of her body and male in other parts of his body. It does exist. (And can actually be quite attractive.) But they have a special cross to bear, one that is tricky and rare. Using manipulation to lower this boom on consistently XX or XY kids who don’t even know what sex is yet, just because they aren’t perfect stereotypes of their gender, seems cruel and hubristic. Yeah, gender is fluid. You’re telling me you can’t deal with this without plastic surgery?

Actual, it seems like regression — back to the days when being sexually weird was always a mental disorder. Except even in Victorian times, as brutal as they could be, it wasn’t standard practice to chop up a weird kid’s groin and try to Frankenstein it into whatever adults think it should be.

It ooks me out even worse when I get the sneaking suspicion that certain guilty, straight white liberals use their little tomboys and girlish dudes to try to escape the Straight White Stigma by creating themselves a miraculously oppressed child. Your son/daughter is now a walking PC point fountain, congratulations — and you are a horrible person. For god’s sake. Do you really think the new black couple in the neighborhood are going to want to be your friends now, you creeps? Stop collecting people. Especially people you made.

And anyway, couldn’t you just go have some gay sex yourself? Friction is friction, right? Hold your breath, drink whatever you need to drink… then take photos, post them around the neighborhood, and you’re no longer a straight white devil. If it grosses you out, at least you’re taking your own bullet. Or you could cut off your own dick and then go have “lesbian” sex.

If that’s too much for you— if you still can’t handle a little social stigma or a little gay sex—if being white and straight makes you squirm to the point where you cut up your child to make a conversation piece—you should have gotten your tubes tied in the first place, weakling.

So… I guess there are a few reproductive modifications I’m down with. There are many, many people whose mini-me equipment should be clipped. Go ahead, call me a hypocrite. But there’s a vast difference between an adult making a decision about heshit’s reproductive system, and a child being talked into letting heshit’s parents dial a surgeon and buy a sentient status symbol. Overbreeding luxury cats is cruel enough.

Author of NVSQVAM, DISASTER FITNESS, the upcoming ELEKTRA’S REVENGE sci-fi epic, & the action novella SEINE VENDETTA. Editor of YOU’RE ALL PUSSIES.

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