Well, not in THAT way. I mean the media hates him so much that even if he wants to do evil from the Oval, he can’t get away with it.

It took me an embarrassingly long time to piece together the way these things work… but since it’s taking the rest of you even longer, I don’t feel so bad.

So! I’ve disliked Donald Trump’s tacky, cartoonish autoportrait of America as a land of brain-stem greed and cheating since before the humanitarians who keep calling for all of his voters to be beheaded were even born.

Most New Yorkers I know have some personal story or another about what a shitty landlord Trump was, whether to his tenants or to the poor-bastard small tradesmen who thought they could make a respectable bunch of money helping him to literally build his empire. Ha, ha. First rule of dealing with rich people: they think ripping you off because you have to work for a living is hilarious. …

I just changed my mind. Maybe us old fucks shouldn’t be heard at all. Then again, that should be said — loudly — of most people of every age group. But it’s goddamn tiring when people keep demanding that everyone join them in fighting the same battle they fought thirty years ago. Especially if they’ve already blown the target to smithereens.

I say this because poor old US Senator Mazie Hirono of Hawaii, who seems to have some kind of screw loose, spent part of her day today firing down the long-abandoned gay-haters’ gun range, wondering where everyone had gone.

I don’t know what unscrewed her, but she seems to be one of the last homophobes I will ever have the misfortune of encountering. (I was going to say her screw got jiggled when she tried too hard to be like Nirvana back in the 90s, but then I realized I was looking at an extremely dated publicity photo of her — the padded shoulders should have tipped me off — she’s actually 72, not my age [45]. …

I was wrong, but you were wronger.

I may be known (and dismissed) for my almost cartoonish misanthropy, but 2020 has alerted me to the fact that I have been NOWHERE NEAR MISANTHROPHIC ENOUGH. For years, people have made fun of me for being a goth, slacker, typical #GenX cynic, blah blah blah…

Well, the Internet has shined a light into the depths of the idiocracy, while empowering the moron majority out the wazoo.

Out of hundreds of millions of Americans, the private entity we call the DNC picked JOE “Clowns and Scranton” BIDEN as their must-vote alternative to Orange Satan. And well-meaning Democrats hop on board, righteously believe blatant lies without a moment’s pause, because they blindly trust the sources, because they depend on them to say what they want to believe; they may be somewhat clever, and some of them are indeed quite smart for humans, but instead of any real critical thought, all their mental energy goes into coming up with insults for people who aren’t quite convinced. …

When “journos” get their tongues stuck in their bellybuttons.

When I see a name in a news headline and think “Who the hell is that?”, these days my next thought is “Probably one of their own reporters.”

Yep! This Rebel News headline breathlessly announces that a journalist has been arrested for plying his noble craft… and, coincidentally, that journalist works for Rebel News.

In fact, Avi Yemini is the self-same reporter who stars in this news segment ABOUT HIMSELF.

I wonder if the other side’s point of view will be fairly represented? Yes, censorship is terrible, but no matter how clear-cut an issue seems, when the subject of a news segment is also starring in the news segment (and possibly editing it himself as well, considering the crap budget editorial departments appear to have these days, and fact-checking? …

Not that it matters. You’ll never listen to us. We aren’t even a “thing.” We’re just the people who have noticed that all of your “things” are fucking awful, and always wrong.

And yeah, life is a prison, and everyone needs an ideological prison gang. But someone has to risk getting their ass kicked to keep you shitheads remotely tethered to reality.

When Team A is dumb enough to believe a “good” protest won’t spread viruses like a “bad” one, and Team B is dumb enough to believe that because “they”are lying about one aspect of coronavirus, then the whole thing is imaginary, the only sane thing to do is to be a fence-burning psychopussy. …

My god, what a crying waste. (Drinks in the beautiful view. Notices how hard it is to frame a photograph without getting a street sign in there, even if it’s the middle of a nature area.)

So Johnny Depp has finally been exonerated of the bullshit wife-beating charges.

He was never charged with a crime, because his accuser, the incredibly awful Amber Heard, had actually been beating HIM, so she had no actual evidence besides having a vagina — but the media convicted him, and he spent years in the wilderness. (You want to talk about double standards? The media actually reported on that time that Amber Heard cut Johnny’s finger off, but they went along with the idea that HE had cut it off HIMSELF while abusing her. …

Wait, now I can’t even send my cat, because cats can get the Coronaplague, too. But that isn’t the point.

I have always hated talking on the phone more than any other chore in the world.

I am amazed that there are people who generally enjoy this activity. There are about three people in existence who make this an enjoyable activity for me. The rest of you, it’s misery, especially since I can barely hear you over these stupid walkie-talkies we use instead of land lines.

But oh boy, the portable pester-box has been really worth the trade-off to civilization: being able to pester me anywhere, anytime, or else you get to have a well-earned tantrum because you KNOW I have my phone and you KNOW I didn’t pick up on purpose, just to insult YOU, because that electronic leash follows every good cooperative citizen everywhere they…

Ever since it became clear that the president was shitting us when he said things were under control, and that he was probably trying to prevent a panic stampede and/or personal and professional embarrassment and that Covid-19 is NOT UNDER FUCKING CONTROL, AT ALL, nO coNTROL HEERE foLKS, I’ve been making sick jokes.

Because that’s what I do, ecologically speaking. I may not have adapted WELL or COMFORTABLY to my niche, but I have adapted, like Silly Putty poured into a paper shredder. You know how squids shoot ink when they’re in danger? I shoot one-liners. I was laughing after I was raped and almost killed, laughed in the ambulance, laughed as I was terror vomiting while they swabbed my face and asshole. …